So, what do you do if your partner is not dealing with their mental health or addiction?  

Of course, it depends -- on how bad things are, and how dangerous your partners behavior is.  One client’s partner was unresponsive after taking a number of different drugs and may have been attempting to overdose. In that case, I’d call 911 because there is no way to know how life threatening their situation is. What’s more is that suicidal gestures are serious and getting used to your partner behaving dangerously with drugs or self-harm creates stress for you and sort of normalizes crazy, unsustainable behavior. 

 This way of thinking is what hospitals use to assess whether to admit someone, sometimes against their will.   

But that’s just step one.  Your partner will likely need some type of treatment.  There are different levels of treatment. Inpatient is the highest, most expensive level and is often 3-7 days.  Beneath that, are Partial Hospitalization Programs, and Intensive Outpatient Programs that many of the major hospital systems run.  These options are generally oriented towards getting someone stable, getting him or her on medication, and functioning. My sense is the longer the program, the more likely it will get to making changes.

 Weekly therapy is less intense yet but it is oriented towards getting to the root issue. The least intensive would be AA or self-help groups. If your partner would see a medical doctor, that could also lead down some helpful paths. There are medications that help for depression, anxiety, and for addiction to alcohol and other drugs that a primary doctor could prescribe.

There are some areas of crisis and distress that may be less clear.  Some people can be chronically suicidal in their thinking which is not immediately dangerous. Other people are so depressed they are not bathing or eating regular meals.  Alcoholics may chronically drink too much and cannot really take care of themselves while they are drunk.  None of these situations are healthy but they are generally behaviors that do not present life and death consequences.  The hospital system and court system will rarely hold someone against their will or force them into treatment unless there are some life or death consequences.  

What does “being there for people” in less acute situations look like?  

Hopefully, it means that you take care of yourself. Taking care of yourself means many things. The depressed friend or partner may want you to keep their information private from their family and friends.  That would be fine except that means you are alone with the burden of offering them support, checking in on them, persuading them that if they got help their situation could improve.  

What can you do to take care of yourself?  

Create a plan of what you will do if, for example, you find your partner unresponsive. If it happens follow through and make the call, e.g. 911.  

If you live with your partner, you could decide that living together is not viable without breaking up with them.  Or you could break up with them if they don’t get help. None of these is wrong unless it feels wrong to you.  

If your partner threatens suicide when you talk about moving out, perhaps this is sign. They may be serious but that doesn’t sound like a sustainable relationship.  

You may know what is helpful to you when you are under stress. But exercise, keeping a regular sleep schedule, seeing friends, getting out the house, seeing your own therapist, meditating, etc. help a lot of people.  

Of these suggestions, having or building your own support system will help you take care of yourself. If you talk to friends or family about difficult situations, you may need to be direct about what kind of feedback or support you are looking for.  For example, you may want someone to listen without offering any advice or solutions.  You also might go to an Al Anon group for people who have family members who are addicted.